Pretend to Be a Secret Agent (Anailuj)

Waited as instructed for grey car at 1300 hours. Waved at it. Driver looked at me funny. Think it was wrong car. Also inspected all of John's things for electronic bugs while Yellenahs distracted him with cookies. May have found something. Will destroy by putting in toilet. Can't be too careful.

(I'm going for paranoid secret agent, but I think I'm doing a better impression of Rorschach. In a perfect world I wouldn't need to link you to that page, but not everyone appreciates the graphic novel.)

In other news:
-The doing jumping jacks in the early morning thing is really working out for me. It's so refreshing, and I feel better on the days I do it than the days I don't.
-I want to make an addendum to Gay Day in the form of Shirley Manson, although I think her obsession with PETA is pretty annoying. I don't even know what that is, or how PETA got their hands on it. But if the opportunity to be with Shirley arose and she refused me because she found out she wasn't on my list of lesbian-potentials, I'd never forgive myself. I mean, if I wanted to hook up with a ginger, which...actually, why would I? I may have to reconsider you, Shirl.
-Kill Something Day has been pretty successful so far. I refuse to lose.

Day Fifteen: Be Gay for a Day! (Anailuj)

The book has an elaborate schedule of things to during the day to gradually work your way up to full-blown (If I were a guy, that pun would definitely be intended) homosexuality. I didn't have time for that.
And here's the thing: I hate girls. I mean yeah, I'm really fond of a few of them, but I didn't grow to like them over night. They proved that they aren't catty, sneaky, lying, back-stabbing bitches, and there aren't a lot of them, but I really love the ones I do have.

Here's the other thing: I am in no way opposed to appreciating female beauty. Most of the time it's in jealousy, like "Damn, I wish I had her ass," or "Maybe if I get a better bra I can have cleavage like that too." But all in all, I'm really satisfied with my body. So, on occasion, my inner lesbian rears her sexy head and delivers a wink in the direction of another female. According to Kinsey (who's research was at best debatable, but I'm trying to make a point here and I think he's right on at least this one thing), everyone's sexuality rests comewhere on a scale of 0 to 6, 0 being completely straight and 6 being totally gay. But no one is really a 0.0 or a 6.0. To put it another way, we all swing that way, just a little.

So for gay day, I contemplatd the females I might consider moving up on the scale for, and Kat Von D ranks #1, no question. She's not too skinny, I love her hair, and I'm really into the whole pin-up girl thing. Runners-up included Gwen Stefani for her kick-ass body, Bif Naked (that is what hardxcore straightxedge raw-food veganism can do for you, and Betty Page (look at all those shoes!) except for the being dead and all.

Women I would NOT consider, even with a very open mind: Angelina Jolie. I think she looks mean and her lips are rectangular. Pamela Anderson, because I prefer flesh over plastic. Megan Fox, because even the people from Transformers findsher endlessly annoying, and also because she's running the whole I'M BISEXUAL LOOK AT ME thing into the ground.

End.

Day Seven: Masturbate at 13:56

The book provided some material to help us out with this one. There was a section for each sex. For girls, it was a big elaborate passage about some woman alone in the mountains being saved by a dark handsome stranger. But it didn't do it for me, mostly because I would not allow a stranger to ravish me in the snowy mountains without even buyng me dinner first. For guys it just said "Two blondes. Doing it. Together." That didn't do anything for me either. Mostly because I don't like blondes.
Anyway, I have a rule. Either I get someone to do that for me, or it doesn't get done at all. Which may explain my occasional violent urges to push things down other things. Like John, down the stairs. *



*Disclaimer: John is fully aware of my urges to push things down other things and is careful to keep away from the top of the stairs in my presence.