Many Days

Alright, so I've been super lazy. Possibly the laziest. It's been at least 10 days since I've updated (but who's counting), and that was just to tell you that I'm lazy. Now that my second round of tests is over, I will probably be better. I don't have any more schoolwork to get done until December, so you've got my full attention for about 20 days. Maybe I'll even get ahead so that I won't be freaking out come December!

Wishful thinking.

Anyway, I'm not gonna go back through every day individually because that would just be really long and boring and you're not THAT interested. Well, maybe John is because he's a gimp, but that's another story. (Love you, John!)

Here are some things that you missed: Say Nothing Day (I didn't talk for much of the day because I spent a good majority of it either in class or cleaning my room excessively), Be On the Look Out for the Paranormal (as per usual), Ignore Today (well accomplished), Go to Church (not accomplished. I don't like churches that much unless they're cathedrals...in Europe), and Apply for a Knighthood (there's no way they would give it to me).

Today is Walk Barefoot on Grass day. Luckily, it's warm enough out to accomplish this. Which is also quite strange, because I happen to live in Buffalo. Where winter usually begins in the beginning of October. However, the grass is kind of wet and my toes get cold pretty easily. Bad idea.

Don't worry, after this I promise to be more consistent. I pinky-promised Rachael. With both hands.

Day Twenty-Five: Things You Will Never Do Before You Die (Anailuj)

Think this is a pretty decent idea, coming to terms with the fact that there are some things you will never do. The human lifetime is pretty limited, and I think if you figure out what you're not going to waste time doing, you can focus on what you are going to do. This was tough for me because I kind of think I can do anything. But it was a big long list, so I only chose the things that were actually difficult for me to come to terms with. Or the things that were weird and I just had to post them. But there were also some things that I will never do anyway, for my own good, like inject heroin or become a world chess champion. So.

Things I Will Never Do:
Climb Evererest (I would love to have that kind of endurance)
Have a sex change, just for a day (what??)
Grow a beard (I like beards)
smoke a cat (again, what???!!)
discover the lost city of Atlantis (I really want Atlantis to be real)
host a game show (I look bad in a suit)
become pope
play the lead in Swan Lake (I am not graceful)
come out of a black hole alive (and not stretched out like spaghetti)
bring back Bambi (John killed Bambi, and his mom, and ate them both)

Things I Have Already Done:
wore colored lenses (unintentionally)
spoke in tongues (I was an imaginitive child)
used a semi-colon (the semi-colon is my favorite punctuation mark)
talked to strangers (it's the greatest thing; you should try it)
got a tattoo
fought the power
been used as a manga character (our friend Julia does cute little anima comics of us and I'm couting them for this)
caused an intergalactic rift (I was involved an a love triagle with two alien warlords who swear to blow up the Earth just as soon as they get out of the Intergalactic High-Security Penitentiary)
wore a cape
oozed charm

Things I Just Might Do Someday:
Learn Russian
Become an artist
Rob a bank (I've already stolen a car, so it's like I'm half way there)
Read Proust
become a rock star
overthrow a regeime, start a revolution (I feel like they would go together)
marry someone I just met (I like spontanaity)
learn pole dancing
exterminate a zombie (I am prepared for when this day comes)
visit space

Things John Has Already Done (Besides kill Bambi and his mom):
Grown a third nipple
shot the last buffalo
become a fitness instructor
licked an electric eel
been eaten by cannibals

Days Twenty-three and Twenty-four

Day Twenty-three: Plastic Fantastic!

Today we were instructed to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon, just to see what they would say. As it was Saturday and offices were closed, this was an impossible task. I planned to do it today, Monday, to make up for it.

I found a plastic surgeon quite close to my house, but his website is totally creeping me out. The guy's name is Dr. Koch. That just sounds like he LOVES staring at breasts all day. I'm not interested in going and getting felt up by him. His website is also creepy because there are a bunch of before/after pictures that morph on the screen and a lot of naked women. I happen to be sitting in a very public place while writing this and I was totally just staring at some girl's tits.

While many women in the good ole U.S. need to make themselves feel better by getting cut up and rearranged, I'm actually quite happy with myself. I'm nowhere near perfect but I've come to terms with that and I wouldn't want to ruin it by having someone tell me every little thing that's wrong. I'm not quite that comfortable with myself yet. So instead of making the appointment, I'm just gonna keep on trying to be happy with me. The way I am.

Day Twenty-four: Barter Day

Today John did his chores and I told him he was a good boy. That seems like a pretty fair trade to me.

Anailuj also spent about an hour and a half hot gluing fringe to my Halloween costume dress, so I told her that I'd make her some cookies for all her hard work and effort. It was really quite amusing, and I wish that someone were there to witness her getting all close and personal with my breasts and other private parts. So much more innuendo could have been made.

I also worked at Starbucks in exchange for free drinks and pastries.

Day Twenty-Two: Agree to Meet Someone in Ten Years (Yellenahs)

Today, the book gave a little agreement to make with someone to meet them in ten years' time. This assignment was approximately as scary as "Introduce Yourself to Someone" day, but I managed to complete it.

For the convenience of not retrieving my book and not committing plagiarism on the interwebz, the contract read something like this:

We, the undersigned, agree to meet at [Mighty Taco, Sheridan] on [10/24/19] at [12:30 a.m.]. In case we have changed beyond recognition, we agree to wear [yellow sunglasses]. In case we have nothing to talk about, here are some current events: [first black president of the U.S., swine flu, terrible economy, global warming]. See you in ten years!

Yes, I realize it's slightly late, being at 12:30 a.m. on the 24th. But I consider this to still be Friday. It's not the next day if I haven't gone to sleep yet. So it's fine.

I handed the note to the cashier in the drive thru at Mighty Taco. John told the poor boy that I am, in fact, crazy. Then the boy shook his head at me as I urged him to keep the paper because that's his copy. He needs to remember! I don't think he was too pleased. As a fellow member of the service industry, I know that I would have been extremely pleased to make such an agreement with a customer. In fact, it would make my whole night. It would break up the monotony of rude person after rude person. So he should have been way happier about that.

Oh well. Not everyone appreciates good fun. I can't wait to see him at midnight-thirty on October the 24th, 2019!

P.S. My 10-year old cousin has swine flu. Those of you who believe in higher powers should pray for her. And for yourselves, because I could carry it from her to you. And you don't want that.

Day Sixteen - Eighteen (Yellenahs)

I'm really bad at doing anything over the weekend. I'm not capable of having a job, having a life, and completing all of the homework I inevitably left until Sunday night. On top of all that, I have to write a blog too! It's so much work! Pity me! I can be way more on top of this during the week. Not to mention this weekend had pretty stupid things to do.

Day Sixteen, Saturday: Discreetly Give People the Finger All Day
Today, I had to work for eight hours and deal with a four hour non-stop onslaught of crazy Canadians shopping in my country illegally and stupid Americans bitching about how busy it was. Hi, today is SATURDAY and we're ALWAYS busy on Saturday and if you're going to bitch about it GO HOME. We don't need your business.

I discreetly gave a couple of particularly annoying and rude guests the finger, but generally it was entirely too busy to stay on top of this. I have a very specific routine of things I say and do at work, and if I try to add in something like giving people the finger, I'll start asking them how they are again instead of telling them about our survey. Or actually saying "fuck you" to their faces. And then I'll get written up.

We had a party Saturday night, and I definitely gave some people the finger quite indiscreetly. They deserved it.

All in all, I really only like giving the people the finger while driving. I hate people who drive poorly.


Day Seventeen, Sunday: Eat Nothing But Asparagus All Day
Here are the reasons why I did not complete the instructions for this day, in a convenient numbered list:
1. I didn't prepare for this day. I would have had to buy a mass quantity of asparagus on Saturday and cooked it in advance for breakfast, because between the party and having to work at eight in the morning, I was in no position to be using an oven or anything else hot. Instead, I ate a granola bar while putting my hair in a pony tail and tossing a creamer-filled condom out of my car.*

2. Asparagus is expensive. If you're going to make me eat only one thing all day, please make it a less expensive food. I'm in college. I need that money for beer.

3. The point of eating the asparagus all day was to see how noxious your pee could get. I understand how interesting this experiment could be, and to see for how many days AFTER the day your pee STILL smells like sulfurous toxic waste. However, I think this could have been made into a way better social experiment. If I wrote the book, I would have people eat something like white rice all day long. White rice or maybe even mush, or maybe even nothing at all. I would have them do this so they could begin to understand what it's like to not have all the luxuries of a first world country, if only for a one day period. It's not enough, but it would get people thinking more than asparagus. It would make people more ready to change their lives, by putting them in someone else's shoes. The moral of the story is that if you're going to make people do something retarded like eat one food all day, make it count!

4. Karen was planning to come over and cook me food. Why would I turn down free, delicious food?

5. I love asparagus. Let me make this clear to you. I LOVE ASPARAGUS. I don't need a reason to hate it. Ever.

Day Eighteen, Monday: Kill Something
Here is thing: I am a girl. I know that some girls (like Anailuj, who has massive steel balls) are capable of killing things, but I am not one of them. Instead I squeal in terror and run for someone else to do the dirty deed. I am terrified of bugs and spiders of all kind, but I absolutely will NOT kill them.

This is why. I have this irrational fear that all bugs have super-mutant strength and can sense my fear of them. If they know that I'm coming at them with a paper towel, rolled up newspaper, or even my shoe, they will fight back. And win. They will overpower my genius device meant to crush them and rise up out of the paper towel, becoming a superbug that wants nothing but to eat me. They will grow fangs and claws and get big and hairy and then I will be really, really scared.

So when I see a bug, I'm convinced that it's going to eat me. And that is why I am afraid. Then I run. I cannot kill bugs.

As I was driving merrily in my car through Pembroke today, a Really Big Bug was coming at me from outside. It was ready to attack. I could sense its anger at me for invading the air space. My fear was palpable. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Then I hit the Really Big Bug with my car. It splattered into my windshield at 60 mph. TAKE THAT INSECT WORLD! I SHOWED YOU!

Sorry for the length of this post. It is three days' worth, after all.



*Creamer-filled condom story: During the party on Saturday night, John and Anailuj disappeared for an extended period of time. I was really sad about this because I was playing Gogol Bordello in the basement and I really wanted Anailuj to be there. Later that night, I had to go out to my car to get a straw so John could drink Gatorade and not die. My car was not in the driveway where I left it, and was halfway down the street. I didn't really care about this at the time, but when I went out in the morning I found a condom on my dashboard. It was kind of gross but I could tell there was not real semen in it, so I took it out and threw it on the street (I was in a hurry - I would never do this if I weren't running late for work on three hours of sleep).

When I got back from work in the afternoon, I found out that John and Anailuj STOLE my car the night before. They went to Wal-Mart and stole a condom out of an open box. Then they went to Tim Hortons and asked for creamers. They put some creamer in the condom and the condom on the dash and giggled all the way home.

Buncha hoodlums.

Day Fourteen: Day of Compliments (Anailuj)

All I learned today is that John will not get out of bed faster to play with us if when I go into his room to wake him up (it was after 11am, that is NOT too early to wake someone up) I deliver all sorts of compliments.
Compliments are great, but people can usually tell when you're bullshitting them. If you need to get somewhere with someone, I think it's best to focus on something you actually do like about them, even if it's something miniscule, and work with that, rather than making something up just to latter them.

But I really meant it when I said John was great at hiding from me under the covers and telling me to go away.

Day Fifteen: Be Gay for a Day (Yellenahs)

It's late and I don't feel like writing so this might not be as ... whatever you think it normally is. I go for witty but I'm not sure I always hit the mark so, this might be even worse.

Today was be gay for a day. The book gave some terrible ideas for things to do to be gay, but they were so terrible that I didn't even want to do them. I changed my Facebook status to "Interested in: Women." I also became a fan of UB's LGBTA.

I didn't delete these things from my newsfeed as I usually do, and I hoped that they would come up on people's homepages. I don't think it worked though because no one seemed to care. Or maybe people are just very accepting of my new way of life.

Who knows. John also decided to take a screenshot of my new status before I change it back, and he posted that on my wall. This is slightly more noticeable than just me changing my status. I also blew some kisses to Melisa and winked at her when we went to go see a concert together tonight. That was slightly lesbo, but we also do that all the time.

I'm sure there are other things I could have done to be gay, but I find that the people I know who are gay aren't really different from the rest of us, so why should I be any different? I know a couple of girls who are gay or at least bisexual, and they're not flamboyant or anything. So why does it matter? Maybe I could have noticed girls' tits some more, but I do that regularly too.

Oh God, maybe I AM gay!!!!!!!!

Day Fourteen: Day of Compliments (Yellenahs)

Ellen, I am deeply sorry for not posting this yesterday. I didn't mean to ruin your procrastination routine. After this I will be doing much better updating daily. Especially since Brian thinks we can't make it to day 25.

Yesterday was the day of compliments. We were to compliment everyone to see if it actually did get us anywhere.

It didn't.

I should have complimented more guests at work. Maybe then they would have opened more RedCards and I'd have more free gum. Instead one of my guests complimented me. He told me that I had THE most beautiful eyes ever, and he's not a creeper because he's married and he was JUST telling his wife about how beautiful my eyes are and how do I do that, is it two different colors or just one?

I told him it was magic. However, the complimenting did get him somewhere yesterday. I was so flattered that I changed the price of his digital camera from like $104 to $34.98. See what happens when you come through my line and tell me I'm beautiful? HUGEEEEEE discounts, Rochester, HUGEEEEEEEEE-JAH.

Then at the end of my shift I needed some Starbucks in order to help me stay up all night. Instead of complimenting the Starbucks team member (Drew) I told him how much he sucked and then told the LOD that they should get rid of him. Then I told Drew how much I hate him. He threw a nickle at me and then I didn't get my change. The moral of this story: If I had complimented Drew, I might be one nickle richer today.

When I got home, I wanted John to clean the kitchen because it's not his birthday anymore. He refused and tried to make me smell his feet. So I told him that I hated him repeatedly while screaming bloody murder. This also did not get my anywhere, as he did not clean the kitchen.

Basically, I'm bad at complimenting people and this whole day backfired in my face.

Day Nine: Do Something Before Breakfast (Anailuj)

Yellenahs and I had originally planned for both of us to call John on this day at around 6am and express our surprise that he wasn't up yet. But we can't hide our excitement about anything from John for very long, and we told him. So of course he turned his phone off.
Often we are stupid.
Today I had to get up around 5:30 am to babysit my cousins. (Babysitting: the one job the government will never try to tax me for.) So I was up and definitely doing a lot of things before breakfast, but today I decided to do something special. So I walked out of my house and did twenty jumping jacks in my driveway, in the dark.
Then I wrote a poem about it and texted it to John. It went a little something like this:
Dearest John,
In morning dark,
There does not sing
A single lark.
Yet twenty jumping jacks I did;
From not a single car I hid.
Now making chai tea in a cup,
I'm wondering:
Why aren't you up?

He didn't get it until he turned his phone back on, but I like to think that it was an awesome way for him to start his day.

Plus, doing jumping jacks in the cold definitely woke me up. I'll probably do that every time I have to babysit in the morning.

And I would count that as a change in my life.

Day Nine: Do Something Before Breakfast (Yellenahs)

I do a lot of things before breakfast. I have a pretty strict routine that doesn't really allow for anything extra, unless I get up earlier. Which I couldn't do because I had to stay up past midnight so I could play Farmville (luckily none of my crops wilted).

This morning I showered, put in my eyeballs, put on my face, and made coffee all before breakfast. I tried to call John and express surprise that he was not yet awake, but he prepared for this by turning off his phone. I briefly considered waking him up physically, but I decided that I actually wanted to live to eat my breakfast.

So I sat down on my bed with my bowl of Wegman's brand honey nut oat things and turned on the TV to discover what is on at this hour (8:30 am). The answer is JACK SHIT. The TV was already on the History Channel, as I was watching a show entitled "The History of Sex" last night while I waited for midnight to roll around. This morning's programming wasn't nearly as interesting, so I flipped it to "My Super Sweet 16."

WHICH IS A TERRIBLE SHOW.

The girl on it wasn't even turning 16 - she was turning 21. And she was an ungrateful, rude snob who got a Lambo for her birthday that she probably can't drive and definitely doesn't appreciate. Then she had two birthday parties. TWO. One in Vegas and one in Miami. And she wore the same dress to both of them. HOW CLASSY IS THAT?!

She was who I hated in high school, but with even more money.

Day Seven: Masturbate at 13:56

The book provided some material to help us out with this one. There was a section for each sex. For girls, it was a big elaborate passage about some woman alone in the mountains being saved by a dark handsome stranger. But it didn't do it for me, mostly because I would not allow a stranger to ravish me in the snowy mountains without even buyng me dinner first. For guys it just said "Two blondes. Doing it. Together." That didn't do anything for me either. Mostly because I don't like blondes.
Anyway, I have a rule. Either I get someone to do that for me, or it doesn't get done at all. Which may explain my occasional violent urges to push things down other things. Like John, down the stairs. *



*Disclaimer: John is fully aware of my urges to push things down other things and is careful to keep away from the top of the stairs in my presence.

Day Three: Throw Away Something You Like (Yellenahs)

I refuse to throw things away. Ever. I'm almost positive that I'm an even bigger hoarder than Anailuj. And Smaug.

I own:
Jeans with holes in the crotch (but they're my favorites!)
Science notebooks from the 7th grade (what if I need to refer back to them someday?)
Every single Christmas and birthday card I've ever received from anyone (I'll want to remember those days when I'm older!)

So this is a difficult task for me. I have this irrational belief that someday I will miss these things if they're gone. This is true for certain things, but not necessarily for the three tubes of old mascara I found while searching for something to throw away.

BUT I'M KEEPING THOSE. THEY ARE MINE AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THEM AWAY.

As this is a life-changing activity, I wanted the something to be important enough to be missed, but not so much that I will need it in the near future and not have it. I considered throwing away John, but the rent is due. And he may not appreciate such a thing.

In the end, I threw away this pink wood carving of my name. We got it at a flea market God knows how many years ago. I used to display it proudly on a shelf in my room. I'm now wayyyyy too classy for such a thing.



Now that I remember I ever had it, this will surely be missed.

P.S. Brian just stated that he doesn't like Seinfeld. I am shocked and awed by such blasphemy. We're watching it anyway.

Day One

Today was warm-up day. The book gave us a list of simple activities that would only change our lives just a little bit. They included things like insult an insect, give pet names to your genitalia, and do one push up.

Anailuj decided to choose which of her toes was the prettiest. It's the one next to her pinky toe on her right foot. This toe is much more adorable than any other toe ever. Except it really isn't. This activity helped her come to terms with the fact that none of her toes are particularly attractive, though one is slightly less unattractive than the others. And that's ok. Because John's toes aren't that great either. Also she was very brave to post a picture of her foot on the internet. Hopefully there are no fetishists afoot....get it?



Yellenahs tried to say "yo" instead of "hello" today, but she failed when she answered the phone with "hello" once. This made Yellenahs realize that changing her life requires dedication. Instead she decided to tell someone her middle name. It is Nicole. The person she told said that she has a beautiful name. It was wonderful.

Anailuj and Yellenahs also stripped John of his socks in a fit of excitement and decided which of his toes is the prettiest. Most of his toes are in fact quite hideous, but the big toes were nice. Especially the right one. This activity didn't really change John's life much. He didn't actually think it was that much out of the ordinary. Though he did have some fun exploiting Anailuj's fear of feet. And almost broke Yellenahs' laptop.

Introduction

Please allow us to introduce ourselves.

This blog will involve the experiences of two friends who are changing their lives. We are fairly average college students, but I like to think that we are slightly more awesome than average.

Yellenahs is a 20 year old Virgo whose favorite color is purple. She has a fairly mediocre job working in retail, which she hates. She is in her third year studying art history and anthropology, which she loves. Perhaps the most interesting thing about her life is that she lives with three boys.

Anailuj is a 20 year old Leo whose favorite color is green. She takes care of little kids at a daycare, which is the best job ever. She is an English major who enjoys the works of Anne Rice, Jack Kerouac, and poems by Allen Ginsberg. Her favorite patterns include tie dye, paisley, and polka dot.

John is a 20 year old (soon to be 21) Libra whose favorite color is blue. He doesn't have a job that he gets paid just over minimum wage for like the others. He gets paid a lot more money to do nothing (they call it research). He is studying math and would like to someday be a lawyer, in order to support both Anailuj and Yellenahs (because they are liberal arts majors and will not be able to find jobs after they graduate). John is not actually changing his life or participating in the experiment, except for when he feels like it or we make him. He is, however, one of Yellenahs' roommates, and will probably be mentioned frequently. Especially since Yellenahs and Anailuj will probably be performing some of their activities at his expense.





We are embarking upon a journey that will take precisely 365 days. We will perform the daily activities outlined in This Book Will Change Your Life. Every day, the reader is told to do something that is generally out of the ordinary. We will then record our activities and thoughts here for your entertainment. The book promises that if you do exactly as it says everyday, it will not only change your life, it will also make you famous.

I guess we'll see.